Here I am, back at the farm, back in the
country. It is quite the drive from Calgary to here after a long flight. I am happy to be “home”. My housemate/landlady had some bad news while
I was at work and has been laid off from her job. I know she will land back on her feet, but
the economy relating to Oil and Gas really does suck, and Rocky is an oil
town. I will make sure that I do all I
can do to keep this house safe. To step
up to the plate and pitch in more if it means we can stay.
Work for me went really well this
shift. Finally, after working on them
for 2.5 years, have I now got an office.
It’s sweet. I love it. I also got
a recognition for doing a good job on a project. That, too, was sweet!! What wasn’t sweet is doing something as
simple as holding a coat hanger in my mouth while I straightened up the clothes
I was hanging up, and broke a damned tooth.
Luckily it hasn’t hurt me. It would have been awful should that have
happened.
I did find out that someone I have been
interested in is so not interested in me and wants me to help him find someone
around the 28 year old mark. Ha ha
ha. WTF.
I am starting to feel a tad old (well, not starting, I’ve been getting
there for a little while now). I need to
stick to the old farts.
So G had his surgery while I was away, and
is in a lot of pain now. I have always
promised to help him through the surgery, so I shall forego the munch tomorrow
to go support him. I know there is
nothing worse than being ill or in pain when you are on your own.
I have been doing a lot of thinking since
the last “angry” blog. I have been
thinking about what has really been going on for the last couple of years. Has this really been a relationship, who
defined it as such, and what the definition of a relationship is? Am I actually in a relationship? Am I being monogamous to the idea of a
partner, rather than a partner? I know
that I have always been the one to pursue and that I have never been first
choice. I know I am a secret and that I
am kept as far as possible from his family.
I know that he won’t make any commitment to me until the divorce is
finalized, and I know that it will never be finalized. I know that he can’t afford to finalize
it. I am in limbo. I know I have never been afforded the
truth. Is there actually anything wrong
with being single and alone at 50? No,
there isn’t, but it’s a bloody hard life to live.
Here is the analogy I thought about last
night. You have a pot of something
simmering away on the back burner. You
stir it occasionally but not enough to stop it from evaporating. Someone comes along and you are embarrassed
about the pot. You hide it in a cupboard
and hide everything to do with that pot along with it. The pot gets taken out, looked at, and put
away again. Then something happens and
you need the pot and the pot is dry and the food no longer edible.
When I try and find the words to speak to
you of this, you interject and tell me the analogy is Moby Dick, and the object
of his obsession is what kills him in the end.
It really hit home, and you are so
right. You HAVE been my obsession,
probably since the first time I saw you.
You asked for none of this. You
have always pushed against me pursuing you.
It is just the first time in 3.5 years that I have really come to
recognize that.
I’m sorry.
I apologize. I thought our
desires matched, and in some respects they do.
But the desire is for shared interests and not shared love. Whenever you have tried to live your own life
I have reacted badly. And that is not
fair on you.
It’s getting so autumnal here, the colour
changes are wonderful. Although it is
starting to get cold. Time to winterize
the RV and put that away for the year. I
know I won’t be getting her out until the spring. Seems a long way off but I really do need the
time here to decide what I am going to do.
The time alone in the peace and quiet here will do wonders towards
working all of this out. It getting too
cold to sit on the porch though. And
that’s sad. But all in all, life is
good. There is a difference between
living in the city and being lonely and this.
This is a serene isolation. There
is no one around so I can’t be upset about being here and it being so quite.
I did something really stupid yesterday in
my folly to try and find a hobby. I
bought a sewing machine. I’m too scared
to even get it out of the box. LOL. I am off to try it and will report back
soon. YouTube will be by friend.
OMG
I fucking love it. I am having so
much with this. Now off to buy some
patterns. I want to make
everything. Considering I have never
owned a sewing machine before this, and never used a pattern or made a damned
thing in my life, I have some pretty high hopes. But I want to get started and get started
now. So far I have made a sausage and a
mess.
Friday night has been a hard night. G has had his surgery and has been pretty
poorly this week, so I did not get to see him or look after him very much at
all. G’s father is gravely ill. An obstinate old man, who really does not
want anyone to interfere but it is getting to the stage where he does need
intervention. It made me think about
what we do for people at the end of life.
Do we do what makes us comfortable or do we do what makes them
comfortable. When we “advocate” for
them, is it for their comfort or for ours.
If an old man is refusing to go to the hospital or want to see a doctor,
how do we differentiate between what they want and want is best for them. I wonder if people just get to the end where
they want to stop fighting for life any more.
Do you let them go in their own home, or intervene. G texted me telling me he did not know what
to do. It’s a really hard thing to talk
about; even amongst the close family members.
I think at the end of the day, you have to think of what would give him
peace. I want to help, but I know that I
won’t be called on to help. This is a
private family thing. I can’t even be
there to support.
Nearly at the end of the off shift
now. Things are quietening. Don’t think we are going to get to see the
moon tonight, the eclipse, the blood moon.
Looks far too cloudy out there. I
know I could stay up late and wait to see if the sky clears, but getting back
into the work frame of mind means early nights and early mornings.
Beisde it’s cold and I am cold and I want
my pjs on and be snuggled under a multitude of blankets.
Highlight of this offshift, looking up from
the sofa to see two deer grazing in the front yard. Thank god no one saw me do the navy seal
crawl to the front window and periscope with my camera to get some photos of
them.
Sending prayers to G’s dad.
