Here I am, back at the farm, back in the country. It is
quite the drive from Calgary to here after a long flight. I am happy to be “home”. My housemate/landlady had some bad news while
I was at work and has been laid off from her job. I know she will land back on her feet, but
the economy relating to Oil and Gas really does suck, and Rocky is an oil
town. I will make sure that I do all I
can do to keep this house safe. To step
up to the plate and pitch in more if it means we can stay.
Work for me went really well this shift. Finally, after working on them for 2.5 years,
have I now got an office. It’s
sweet. I love it. I also got a recognition
for doing a good job on a project. That,
too, was sweet!! What wasn’t sweet is
doing something as simple as holding a coat hanger in my mouth while I
straightened up the clothes I was hanging up, and broke a damned tooth. Luckily it hasn’t hurt me. It would have been
awful should that have happened, on site and not a dentist within a million miles. Well, I maybe exaggerate a little.
I did find out that someone I have been interested in is so
not interested in me and wants me to help him find someone around the 28 year
old mark. Ha ha ha. WTF. I
am starting to feel a tad old (well, not starting, I’ve been getting there for
a little while now). I need to stick to
the old farts.
So G had his surgery while I was away, and is in a lot of
pain now. I have always promised to help
him through the surgery, so I shall forego the munch tomorrow to go support
him. I know there is nothing worse than
being ill or in pain when you are on your own.
I have been doing a lot of thinking since the last “angry”
blog. I have been thinking about what
has really been going on for the last couple of years. Has this really been a relationship, who
defined it as such, and what the definition of a relationship is? Am I actually in a relationship? Am I being monogamous to the idea of a
partner, rather than a partner? I know
that I have always been the one to pursue and that I have never been first
choice. I know I am a secret and that I
am kept as far as possible from his family.
I know that he won’t make any commitment to me until the divorce is
finalized, and I know that it will never be finalized. I know that he can’t afford to finalize
it. I am in limbo. I know I have never been afforded the
truth. Is there actually anything wrong
with being single and alone at 50? No,
there isn’t, but it’s a bloody hard life to live.
Here is the analogy I thought about last night. You have a pot of something simmering away on
the back burner. You stir it occasionally
but not enough to stop it from evaporating.
Someone comes along and you are embarrassed about the pot. You hide it in a cupboard and hide everything
to do with that pot along with it. The
pot gets taken out, looked at, and put away again. Then something happens and you need the pot
and the pot is dry and the food no longer edible.
When I try and find the words to speak to you of this, you
interject and tell me the analogy is Moby Dick, and the object of his obsession
is what kills him in the end.
It really hit home, and you are so right. You HAVE been my obsession, probably since
the first time I saw you. You asked for
none of this. You have always pushed
against me pursuing you. It is just the
first time in 3.5 years that I have really come to recognize that.
I’m sorry. I
apologize. I thought our desires
matched, and in some respects they do.
But the desire is for shared interests and not shared love. Whenever you have tried to live your own life
I have reacted badly. And that is not
fair on you.
It’s getting so autumnal here, the colour changes are
wonderful. Although it is starting to
get cold. Time to winterize the RV and
put that away for the year. I know I
won’t be getting her out until the spring.
Seems a long way off but I really do need the time here to decide what I
am going to do. The time alone in the
peace and quiet here will do wonders towards working all of this out. It getting too cold to sit on the porch
though. And that’s sad. But all in all, life is good. There is a difference between living in the
city and being lonely and this. This is
a serene isolation. There is no one
around so I can’t be upset about being here and it being so quite.
I did something really stupid yesterday in my folly to try
and find a hobby. I bought a sewing
machine. I’m too scared to even get it
out of the box. LOL. I am off to try it and will report back
soon. YouTube will be by friend.
OMG I fucking love
it. I am having so much with this. Now off to buy some patterns. I want to make everything. Considering I have never owned a sewing
machine before this, and never used a pattern or made a damned thing in my
life, I have some pretty high hopes. But
I want to get started and get started now.
So far I have made a sausage and a mess.
Friday night has been a hard night. G has had his surgery and has been pretty
poorly this week, so I did not get to see him or look after him very much at
all. G’s father is gravely ill. An obstinate and very proud old man, who really does not
want anyone to interfere but it is getting to the stage where he does need
intervention. It made me think about
what we do for people at the end of life.
Do we do what makes us comfortable or do we do what makes them
comfortable. When we “advocate” for
them, is it for their comfort or for ours.
If an old man is refusing to go to the hospital or want to see a doctor,
how do we differentiate between what they want and want is best for them. I wonder if people just get to the end where
they want to stop fighting for life any more.
Do you let them go in their own home, or intervene. G texted me telling me he did not know what
to do. It’s a really hard thing to talk
about; even among the close family members.
I think at the end of the day, you have to think of what would give him
peace. I want to help, but I know that I
won’t be called on to help. This is a
private family thing. I can’t even be
there to support.
Nearly at the end of the off shift now. Things are quietening. Don’t think we are going to get to see the
moon tonight, the eclipse, the blood moon.
Looks far too cloudy out there. I
know I could stay up late and wait to see if the sky clears, but getting back
into the work frame of mind means early nights and early mornings.
Besides,
Highlight of this offshift, looking up from the sofa to see
two deer grazing in the front yard.
Thank god no one saw me do the navy seal crawl to the front window and
periscope with my camera to get some photos of them.
Sending prayers to G’s dad.
