A whole range of emotions and I don’t know what one to
settle on first. Fear and panic and
doubt are high on that list. It’s like
being put out to see without an oar. It
is standing and trying to grasp at anything that will give me stability. Yesterday was the first day of being on the
road, and it was incredibly difficult to not go to a home. I did the running around, filling
prescriptions and putting on the mail forward.
Had a large late lunch as I slept on the plane as per usual and didn’t
eat the delicious Canadian North fayre, hooked up the trailer and headed down
to Ware Creek. Once I got everything
stabilized and all the stuff I wanted to move in thrown from the truck into the
trailer, I headed down to the creek and I knew I was starting to spiral and so
I reached out to a very good friend who basically took me by my lapels and
shook me. I was telling her that I knew
this was not going to fill the void I had in my life, and she basically walked
me through, showing me where I keep going back to and not succeeding. That the universe has pushed me into a corner
and is forcing me to stop and listen and see what is wrong.
There is a lot of silence here. There are half a dozen other campers up the
hill, but I have decided to be down by the creek and I am the only one
here. It is very strange that most of
the time I am screamingly lonely, and spend my days wishing I had a partner in
life, but this first day is showing me that I need to stop thinking like that
and start thinking about how to be happy with me.
I have been through this lesson once before, when I first
moved into the house. And it really did
bring me back to being who I liked to be.
I was in the house for three years and a majority of that time was in a
relationship with someone who never put me first, who never made any effort for
me, who would actively seek out others while I was alone at home. Of promises of changes to be made which were
just that, promises, and never followed through on. He is one of those people who you love and
want to be with from the first moment you see them. Yes, I know, that is a crush. And while he goes through struggles you are
there to help. But if he asked me
tomorrow to come live with him I would.
But I don’t want to be the one way shoulder to cry on any
more. The universe has put me in this
corner to learn to love myself again. It
is strange to think that solitude is going to help repair the loneliness.
OMG why did I bring so much crap? Things that seemed so important when I was
packing up the house are like WTF items now!
Determined to get it finished before I go to bed though. Want the “house” in order.
It is 28 degrees today, far too hot to be working inside the
trailer. I have 5% of the stuff still to
put away but it’s crazy hot. So I came
outside to do some writing. Problem #1,
the books are on the cloud and I can’t get a hotspot to get to either of
them. I know where I left off on them
both but both were joint projects. I am
hoping my Hades cowriter will be coming to join me and we can work on the story
together by the fire. I need a
girlfriend to shoot the shit with.
LOL. Problem #2. Shagging squirrels. I don’t know who makes the most noise, the
shagger squirrel or the shaggee squirrel but holy hell, they need to get a room
(and I know you’re going to ask how I know they were shagging, it is because
they were in the tree in front of me).
No more blog until tomorrow … Wednesday … when getting
dressed is going to be more than putting a bra on under your pjs.
Wednesday, after a day and evening of being inundated with
mosquitos, I did a run into Calgary purely for some mozzie relief. Took the opportunity to have lunch with a
girlfriend and now back at the campsite, building an altar to the gods of
anti-bugs. And I must admit it is a
little glorious.
The solitude is still searing though. I am still fighting against in. I want to scream to let me come back, but I
know that I wasn’t happy in Calgary. I
read a writing today when I was at lunch about a relationship where there is
just pure worship. I watched a movie
last night about someone finding his muse.
How often do those relationships actually happen? Do we find those loves? How many of us fall into relationships for
fear of nothing else coming along? I
know that I have in the past. I want the
love that makes you dance like a dervish, that makes you want to dance and
soar.
Thursday – and I had a wonderful visit from a wonderful
friend from work. She arrived bearing
gifts of hamburgers and pop which work wonderfully for me. The most joyous part of the day was when we
took our camping chairs down to the river, hoping to sit by the river
side. The temperature has been insane,
getting up into the mid-30’s. so from
sitting beside the river we decided to sit right on the river bank and dangle
our feet in, and ended up with our chairs in the river and the water washing
over them. The water was perfect. Cool, but not cold enough to numb. And listening to the sounds all around us,
the water, the birds, the animals, the first breeze of the week in the trees,
was fantastic.
We headed back to the trailer and set up the BBQ that had
never been used before, and cooked up the burgers. Christ, they were delicious.
The longer I sit here the longer I feel blessed to be able
to do this, but the worry of what to do in the winter is hanging heavily over
me. I’ve had a couple of anxious times
here, feeling the isolation, and even then knowing I am just a hop, skip and a
jump to civilization.
DAMN – There is people down my end of the campsite. I’ve been here alone for all this time. It felt like my little spot. But that also made me laugh how much it
contradicts the previous paragraph. Sitting
here, doing some writing, and waiting for another girlfriend to come
along. Still not used to having no
internet connection, and a cell signal so weak I can’t hot spot to my
phone. My stories are in collaboration
with others, so I can upload my part of the writing. Bugger.
My girlfriend came to stay with me for a couple of days over
the weekend, and cue the rain. I was
excited for her to read what I had written, and to get back to the
collaboration. That night the rain came
in. We did a quick excursion out to
Black Diamond, as there was a restaurant she wanted to try there, and boy was
it good. Burgers so juicy that they fall
apart when you’re trying to eat them.
Delicious pies, because we’ve always got room for dessert.
It also gave us the opportunity to change up the stories we
are writing. Having completed the one,
we realized how dark it had become and was not really what we were looking
for. So we sat and planned a whole new
story, took that into town with us, got ourselves some wifi and got the story
back to Calgary for her to work on some more.
It’s Monday now, and having had her leave to go back home, I
spiralled and crashed a little last night.
Again it was a case of why the hell did I do this. I look at how remote I am here, even though I
am just an hour from Calgary. There are
three other trailers here. If I travel,
I would be staying in a campsite that has probably a hundred people in. But the thought of going south, alone, is
what is scaring me. Doing any of this
alone is scaring me. I am fed up of
being alone. I want to have someone to
share this with. That is probably what
gave me the epiphany that I am waiting for someone to save me, and there is no
one out there to save me. I have to
succeed on my own. I have to learn to be
alone, rather than hate it every time I come to think of being alone.
I go swinging from I can do this, to I am going to ask my
friend to let me share her place with her.
While the weather allows, I can live here virtually free. When I go down south, I need to consider the
cost of staying in the trailer park, the cost of parking, and of flying to
work. Parking the truck at the home
airport and staying the night before I travel up to work. I know lots and lots of people from work do
it all the time. Considering it is mid
August now, and the cold weather really starts to set in in Canada in October,
I have to make the decision as to whether I stay or whether I go.
Well, that is it, the end of the first stint of living off
the grid and in the trailer. The
emotions at the end of the stint are the same as the start. But it seems to be for different
reasons. I know I can do it, but the solitude
was hard for me. I wish that this
experience had started earlier for me, that I could have been in a really
strong place. It’s now almost
September. I am supporting someone
through cancer treatment in September.
If I head south I will need to do that in October. I really don’t know if I am ready for that
yet. I know I could not have started
this process earlier, as Andrew was not ready to move home. But now he has moved and he is happy.
I am in Caroline for the next stint. Most of the time I will be in the trailer
with no one in the house. There is only
one little lock between me and the outside world and this one will really be
alone. If I shout out, no one will
come. It is going to take time this on
shift to see where this adventure takes me next.
