Bad news isn't always bad.

Happy Christmas. And what a present I received.

Some of you may think the gift to be horrible, but it has put me out of a lot of misery.

I had wanted a life with my best friend, but I don't think you could even have been that. To see how much I loved you and wanted you and you had every opportunity to tell me you did not care for me. Even when your paramour offered to tell me to back off you told her you would deal with it.  But you didn't have the balls for that, did you?

This from the man who when we first got together told me he wanted to marry me.  This from the man who told me he loved me completely.  From the man who wanted us to live together, to build together, to have a home (and a dog) together.

Today, Christmas morning, I received the message that the person I have been waiting 5, almost 6 years for, has been very active seeking and dating others.  I knew of one, whom I was assured was over (I know of that one), but the one that come out of the woodwork today completely blindsided me.

To hear how he spoke of me, that I am the idiot, that I cannot take a hint, that I misread all his signals of friendship only, hurts deeply.  The man I took to England, to Vegas, to San Francisco, all the time, was just playing me.

But I realize that I have known this, that he was not there for me, for some time, and I guess that shows that whilst I am blindsided, I am not heartbroken.  I guess I've been waiting for that shoe to drop.

He has asked to see me before I go back to work on 28th, as he wants to "speak to me", but I can't get a clue from him what the talk is about.  I am pretty torn on whether I tell him what I know or wait and see what he has to say, and blindside him back again.  (There again, the paramour may have already given him a heads up that she has told me).  DAMMIT I WANT TO KNOW NOW.

It makes me want to work out why I allowed myself to fall for the half truths and stories for so long.

When there is someone you want, and they dangle the carrot of the life you want, the life with them, it is easy to let their lies, the words they know you want to hear, those doubts run off you.  You cling to the words you want to hear, but choose to ignore all the signs that completely go against those words.

So it's Christmas Day and I am sitting here, wondering what is open so I can go get snacks, snacks, snacks, and fill may sad old face with yummy goodness.  Then I can pj up and hunker down to a day of movies.

OK .... snacks achieved and movies are on!

Decided not to post this post until after I have met up with him, I don't want to take the chance of him finding out that I know before I speak to him.

Christmas Day Update:  Slept in and met up with Dawn later in the afternoon.  Trawled the city until we found somewhere open. We had supper at a greasy spoon truck stop.  It was spectacular.  Not heard from G.  Had a lovely facetime with Andrew and Jade

Boxing Day Update:  Later supper at B and C tonight. Wasn't up to it last year, but going to make the most of the invite tonight and have some laughs.  G is still completely ignoring.  So not sure if there is going to be a meeting tomorrow.  Trying to find out whether he has been warned that I have been told that I know what he has been up to.  Gah.

Tuesday Update:  Holy Christ, this is frustrating.  G has now decided he can't come down and talk to me.  I have so much that is boiling up inside, that I really can't get out.  I can't force someone to answer the phone, and trying to get that frustration out on text it pretty impotent.  But it had to be done by text.

I said my piece, and he gave the usual "I wanted to move forward" spiel.  Same old same old.  I will be damned glad to go back to work.

This blog is bought to you by the letters F. U. C. K. I. T.

A Blast from the Past - and just in time.

A friend I have been searching for for many years, found me before I found her.  And she found me through a most unexpected route.  But I am very happy that she did.

She also reminded me of this blog, which I have managed to forgot for some time.

Life is still life and I am still really just going through the motions.  Not enjoying life at all at the moment, and really stuck on how to move away from that.

We are at the winter solstice, the days get longer from here.  I am here in Calgary for the winter.  It is nice to be close to town again, and close to what is going on, but feeling pretty out of life at the moment.  Being away for the ten days at a time really does impact with the social life.  Which brings me to making the decision as to what to do next spring/summer.  I love living in trailer (when it is not leaking) but again that takes me away from town.  But if I find somewhere to live/buy/rent I will probably need to sell the trailer.  Just on my own, I can't afford to do both.

I want to have somewhere that I can start to play with crafting.  The trailer is small but it is mine, all mine, and I am answerable to no one within the walls.  I really want to start playing with resin and I can't do that when I am renting a room in someone's home.

Andrew is off in Europe and I am missing him terribly.  But his life is really coming together.  He is working in a job that he loves.  Saving is optimum for him so that he can travel and see Europe before he takes off to further realms.  I want to go and see him before the summer is here, so planning for April.

I have really let things go with me.  It makes it easy to think that that is what made G leave.  So I need to take my health back into my own hands.  I need to do this because I am hurting.  My back, my feet, my knees.  I do this to make me feel better.  I do not have scales so I am not going to look at the numbers.  Which will make "dieting" interesting, if I am not weighing in.  Dieting without focusing on the number is going to be strange.  I have the food I have and I need to get on that fucking wagon.  How to work this\ when at work.  Oh God knows.  Salads and meat.  Water.  No desserts.  But the hardest will be no cookies for breakfast, and not going out to eat everyday when I am not working.

So yeah, G has ignored me to such an extent that I hear nothing from him.  I had mailed his Christmas gift (as I knew his words of "I will see you over Christmas" were empty).  I know it is delivered, I have heard nothing at all.  It has been 5-6 years of struggle trying to get him to make any kind of commitment to me.  It makes me realize that he has never committed.  It has always been one sided.  Me trying whatever I can think of to have him in my life.  Even if that is crumbs from the table, while he is pursuing others.  Still.  It is what it is.  Time to leave what is not for me.  To find the way forward.

Forget the past, look at the possibilities the future holds.

Look at enjoying life alone.  It's hard, very hard, but it is necessary.

Let's have the next blog looking at those possibilities.

Episode 4 Vegas