Float Away

Being the bad, bad friend I am, I failed to get my dear friend a card and a gift for her birthday, on her birthday.  So, we went out tonight to float tank.  Impossibly excited beforehand, the evening proved to be very interesting for all three of us.  Three very different experiences.


We got there, chose our music and our after float drinks.  Turn off our phones and we go in there and have to shower, washing our hair, before we go in to our own pods (each pod is in its own lockable room).  Tried to get the earplugs in but they did not want to stay in so I went for it and went in sans-plugs.

Get in there and lay down, and am suddenly floating.  There is four times more salt in the pod there is in the Dead Sea.  Itchy eye, and then BAM, all that salt in my eye.  OK, so work with it and see if I can last it out but no, I need to wash it out.  But the light in the pod has gone our, and the light in the room has gone out.  Suddenly I am in pitch darkness.  Panic to find the pod light, find it and turn it on only to open the pod and the light outside in the room to automatically come on.  I grab the flannel and use that to keep the water from splashing in my eye.

With the humidity of the pod and the light off, it becomes very claustrophobic in there.  The music, when you leave your head underwater is just a white noise.  It's like when someone tries to talk to you with your ears full of water.  It's just Charlie Brown's teacher "blah, blah, blah".  It became more distracting than anything.  Turn the music off and turn the light off.  Not a good idea.  Oh, flannel.  I leave the light on and put the flannel over my eyes. It's funny, closed eyes and the flannel over them, it's dark, but knowing the light is on takes away the anxiety.

With 20 minutes to go, I braved up and turned the light off.

So, the float itself, the head space:  It was hard to turn off, but thoughts would come through and leave again.  It got so quiet that I could hear my heart beat.  While you're in there, you don't feel as if you have turned off enough, but it's surprising.  There was a feeling of absolute weightlessness.  You don't even feel the water on your body.  You feel, see, and hear nothing.  You come back to yourself and it feels like when you're in bed and you've been in one position for too long and need to turn over, so you strength and bend a little, but with the lack of light or sensation, you find you've suddenly floated into the wall.  The tiniest hit against one wall has you floating back into the other side of the pod and you're head has hit the other side.

The lights came on and the lady-voice inside the pod told me that I was done and it was time to get out.

Open the pod and stand up, and suddenly you're very heavy.  Your legs shake and your head is woozy and you have to hold on to the side of the pod while you get used to using your legs again.

A nice hot shower, and it takes a while to get rid of the build up of salt all over the body.

Back of the building is the zen room, full of bean bags where we all met up and relaxed and exchanged our stories.  I will definitely do this again.  Would I recommend it?  Most definitely.  The feeling of calm that you have when you come out is wonderful, and you sleep so well, it feels like you have been cradled in a cloud and sleep is all you want to do.  You sleep and feel so damned refreshed afterwards./

Downtown Life

So it has been over a month now since I moved into my apartment.  The second off shift that I have come home here.  Downtown life is ... taking a little getting used to, but in a good way.  So much happening so close to home, and anywhere in the city I need to go to, I am already half way there.

So much opportunity, just learning to try stuff on my own.  There is Shakespeare in the Park for the next 6 weeks.

I finally got rid of the truck too.  I have no trailer any more (it went to a wonderful home), and every promise for life in the country is way up in smoke, so there was no need to keep it.  I got myself a lovely swanky, if a little old fashioned car.  His name is Dorian.  Dorian Grey, as this one can not age. I have to keep this one.

Still waiting to hear news on the truck driving job that I asked for a transfer to.  I could just imagine dad's face when he would find out that I get to drive one of the world's largest trucks.  I really hope it comes off.

The weather is insanely hot at the moment, highs of up to 35 ish.  It's impossible to sleep.  This apartment is like the seventh level of Hades.

All moved in and happy as Larry, but I have somehow lost my external hard drive.  What is it with me and these drives.  I just can't keep them.  LOL.  I need to keep up with my vlog, so maybe something I can do this weekend.

Life is slow, and life is quiet, so I think I need a roadtrip for some material.

Oh Spring, Where Art Thou?

What kind of news can I give you this time.

My time staying in Calgary for the winter is coming to an end and I need to decide where to go from here.  

But I still have my England trip to take yet in April.  Can't wait to see everyone, especially Andrew.  It has been far too long since I have seen him. 

May brings trailer life again, and there is so much crafting I really want to start.  In fact I've been hitting Amazon this winter, getting everything together that I need to in order to start as soon as I am there.  I know I am going to make a mess, and I will bring that mess to you as I make it .... he he he.

I have just found out that all the pictures of Andrew as a baby have been lost on my hard drive and it is going to cost $700 to bring them back again.  It seems like a lot of money, but boy, do I miss being able to see them.  Booo ... just got the information back that it is not possible and I do need to take it in to the professionals

Double boo ... Andrew lost his job in Fareham.  I have introduced him to the prospect of live in bar staff in London.  It will be good for him to not be relying on family.  He needs to stand alone.  He will be doing that the more he travels, he needs to start getting used to it now.

Tally Ho

The more I think about the last couple of weeks since Christmas the more I am accepting of things. I look at what I have now and what I had then and there is pretty much no difference at all. I don't see him now and I rarely saw him then. He made no attempt to give me time before. He gives me no time now. He told everyone else he saw that we were just friends and I misread signals, so that is the way I'm moving forward. Unfortunately it took me 6 years to get here.

Time to draw a line under the craziness.

Although damn the antidepressants, they have stopped me getting really, kicking butt angry.  While they stop the low lows, they stop the other emotions too.

So, without having the past to talk about, I need to find something else to talk about.  It's surprising how much he took up every fucking thought.

Andrew is doing really well, and has even started making music, I am excited to see what he has been making.  I've bought my ticket to go and see him in April.  I miss him very much.

And has soon as I get back from England, it will be time to get back in the trailer again.  I really want to do some crafting, and I can't do the stuff I want while I am here.  I think keeping myself super busy will really help with the loneliness.  I would love to have somewhere I could decorate, the trailer does not really allow that.  I think I need fairy lights.

And then, a friend is moving to the province right next to me, which will allow me to go and see her often.  There are road trips in the future.

Bad news isn't always bad.

Happy Christmas. And what a present I received.

Some of you may think the gift to be horrible, but it has put me out of a lot of misery.

I had wanted a life with my best friend, but I don't think you could even have been that. To see how much I loved you and wanted you and you had every opportunity to tell me you did not care for me. Even when your paramour offered to tell me to back off you told her you would deal with it.  But you didn't have the balls for that, did you?

This from the man who when we first got together told me he wanted to marry me.  This from the man who told me he loved me completely.  From the man who wanted us to live together, to build together, to have a home (and a dog) together.

Today, Christmas morning, I received the message that the person I have been waiting 5, almost 6 years for, has been very active seeking and dating others.  I knew of one, whom I was assured was over (I know of that one), but the one that come out of the woodwork today completely blindsided me.

To hear how he spoke of me, that I am the idiot, that I cannot take a hint, that I misread all his signals of friendship only, hurts deeply.  The man I took to England, to Vegas, to San Francisco, all the time, was just playing me.

But I realize that I have known this, that he was not there for me, for some time, and I guess that shows that whilst I am blindsided, I am not heartbroken.  I guess I've been waiting for that shoe to drop.

He has asked to see me before I go back to work on 28th, as he wants to "speak to me", but I can't get a clue from him what the talk is about.  I am pretty torn on whether I tell him what I know or wait and see what he has to say, and blindside him back again.  (There again, the paramour may have already given him a heads up that she has told me).  DAMMIT I WANT TO KNOW NOW.

It makes me want to work out why I allowed myself to fall for the half truths and stories for so long.

When there is someone you want, and they dangle the carrot of the life you want, the life with them, it is easy to let their lies, the words they know you want to hear, those doubts run off you.  You cling to the words you want to hear, but choose to ignore all the signs that completely go against those words.

So it's Christmas Day and I am sitting here, wondering what is open so I can go get snacks, snacks, snacks, and fill may sad old face with yummy goodness.  Then I can pj up and hunker down to a day of movies.

OK .... snacks achieved and movies are on!

Decided not to post this post until after I have met up with him, I don't want to take the chance of him finding out that I know before I speak to him.

Christmas Day Update:  Slept in and met up with Dawn later in the afternoon.  Trawled the city until we found somewhere open. We had supper at a greasy spoon truck stop.  It was spectacular.  Not heard from G.  Had a lovely facetime with Andrew and Jade

Boxing Day Update:  Later supper at B and C tonight. Wasn't up to it last year, but going to make the most of the invite tonight and have some laughs.  G is still completely ignoring.  So not sure if there is going to be a meeting tomorrow.  Trying to find out whether he has been warned that I have been told that I know what he has been up to.  Gah.

Tuesday Update:  Holy Christ, this is frustrating.  G has now decided he can't come down and talk to me.  I have so much that is boiling up inside, that I really can't get out.  I can't force someone to answer the phone, and trying to get that frustration out on text it pretty impotent.  But it had to be done by text.

I said my piece, and he gave the usual "I wanted to move forward" spiel.  Same old same old.  I will be damned glad to go back to work.

This blog is bought to you by the letters F. U. C. K. I. T.

A Blast from the Past - and just in time.

A friend I have been searching for for many years, found me before I found her.  And she found me through a most unexpected route.  But I am very happy that she did.

She also reminded me of this blog, which I have managed to forgot for some time.

Life is still life and I am still really just going through the motions.  Not enjoying life at all at the moment, and really stuck on how to move away from that.

We are at the winter solstice, the days get longer from here.  I am here in Calgary for the winter.  It is nice to be close to town again, and close to what is going on, but feeling pretty out of life at the moment.  Being away for the ten days at a time really does impact with the social life.  Which brings me to making the decision as to what to do next spring/summer.  I love living in trailer (when it is not leaking) but again that takes me away from town.  But if I find somewhere to live/buy/rent I will probably need to sell the trailer.  Just on my own, I can't afford to do both.

I want to have somewhere that I can start to play with crafting.  The trailer is small but it is mine, all mine, and I am answerable to no one within the walls.  I really want to start playing with resin and I can't do that when I am renting a room in someone's home.

Andrew is off in Europe and I am missing him terribly.  But his life is really coming together.  He is working in a job that he loves.  Saving is optimum for him so that he can travel and see Europe before he takes off to further realms.  I want to go and see him before the summer is here, so planning for April.

I have really let things go with me.  It makes it easy to think that that is what made G leave.  So I need to take my health back into my own hands.  I need to do this because I am hurting.  My back, my feet, my knees.  I do this to make me feel better.  I do not have scales so I am not going to look at the numbers.  Which will make "dieting" interesting, if I am not weighing in.  Dieting without focusing on the number is going to be strange.  I have the food I have and I need to get on that fucking wagon.  How to work this\ when at work.  Oh God knows.  Salads and meat.  Water.  No desserts.  But the hardest will be no cookies for breakfast, and not going out to eat everyday when I am not working.

So yeah, G has ignored me to such an extent that I hear nothing from him.  I had mailed his Christmas gift (as I knew his words of "I will see you over Christmas" were empty).  I know it is delivered, I have heard nothing at all.  It has been 5-6 years of struggle trying to get him to make any kind of commitment to me.  It makes me realize that he has never committed.  It has always been one sided.  Me trying whatever I can think of to have him in my life.  Even if that is crumbs from the table, while he is pursuing others.  Still.  It is what it is.  Time to leave what is not for me.  To find the way forward.

Forget the past, look at the possibilities the future holds.

Look at enjoying life alone.  It's hard, very hard, but it is necessary.

Let's have the next blog looking at those possibilities.

Episode 4 Vegas