Bad news isn't always bad.

Happy Christmas. And what a present I received.

Some of you may think the gift to be horrible, but it has put me out of a lot of misery.

I had wanted a life with my best friend, but I don't think you could even have been that. To see how much I loved you and wanted you and you had every opportunity to tell me you did not care for me. Even when your paramour offered to tell me to back off you told her you would deal with it.  But you didn't have the balls for that, did you?

This from the man who when we first got together told me he wanted to marry me.  This from the man who told me he loved me completely.  From the man who wanted us to live together, to build together, to have a home (and a dog) together.

Today, Christmas morning, I received the message that the person I have been waiting 5, almost 6 years for, has been very active seeking and dating others.  I knew of one, whom I was assured was over (I know of that one), but the one that come out of the woodwork today completely blindsided me.

To hear how he spoke of me, that I am the idiot, that I cannot take a hint, that I misread all his signals of friendship only, hurts deeply.  The man I took to England, to Vegas, to San Francisco, all the time, was just playing me.

But I realize that I have known this, that he was not there for me, for some time, and I guess that shows that whilst I am blindsided, I am not heartbroken.  I guess I've been waiting for that shoe to drop.

He has asked to see me before I go back to work on 28th, as he wants to "speak to me", but I can't get a clue from him what the talk is about.  I am pretty torn on whether I tell him what I know or wait and see what he has to say, and blindside him back again.  (There again, the paramour may have already given him a heads up that she has told me).  DAMMIT I WANT TO KNOW NOW.

It makes me want to work out why I allowed myself to fall for the half truths and stories for so long.

When there is someone you want, and they dangle the carrot of the life you want, the life with them, it is easy to let their lies, the words they know you want to hear, those doubts run off you.  You cling to the words you want to hear, but choose to ignore all the signs that completely go against those words.

So it's Christmas Day and I am sitting here, wondering what is open so I can go get snacks, snacks, snacks, and fill may sad old face with yummy goodness.  Then I can pj up and hunker down to a day of movies.

OK .... snacks achieved and movies are on!

Decided not to post this post until after I have met up with him, I don't want to take the chance of him finding out that I know before I speak to him.

Christmas Day Update:  Slept in and met up with Dawn later in the afternoon.  Trawled the city until we found somewhere open. We had supper at a greasy spoon truck stop.  It was spectacular.  Not heard from G.  Had a lovely facetime with Andrew and Jade

Boxing Day Update:  Later supper at B and C tonight. Wasn't up to it last year, but going to make the most of the invite tonight and have some laughs.  G is still completely ignoring.  So not sure if there is going to be a meeting tomorrow.  Trying to find out whether he has been warned that I have been told that I know what he has been up to.  Gah.

Tuesday Update:  Holy Christ, this is frustrating.  G has now decided he can't come down and talk to me.  I have so much that is boiling up inside, that I really can't get out.  I can't force someone to answer the phone, and trying to get that frustration out on text it pretty impotent.  But it had to be done by text.

I said my piece, and he gave the usual "I wanted to move forward" spiel.  Same old same old.  I will be damned glad to go back to work.

This blog is bought to you by the letters F. U. C. K. I. T.