Oh Spring, Where Art Thou?

What kind of news can I give you this time.

My time staying in Calgary for the winter is coming to an end and I need to decide where to go from here.  

But I still have my England trip to take yet in April.  Can't wait to see everyone, especially Andrew.  It has been far too long since I have seen him. 

May brings trailer life again, and there is so much crafting I really want to start.  In fact I've been hitting Amazon this winter, getting everything together that I need to in order to start as soon as I am there.  I know I am going to make a mess, and I will bring that mess to you as I make it .... he he he.

I have just found out that all the pictures of Andrew as a baby have been lost on my hard drive and it is going to cost $700 to bring them back again.  It seems like a lot of money, but boy, do I miss being able to see them.  Booo ... just got the information back that it is not possible and I do need to take it in to the professionals

Double boo ... Andrew lost his job in Fareham.  I have introduced him to the prospect of live in bar staff in London.  It will be good for him to not be relying on family.  He needs to stand alone.  He will be doing that the more he travels, he needs to start getting used to it now.

Tally Ho

The more I think about the last couple of weeks since Christmas the more I am accepting of things. I look at what I have now and what I had then and there is pretty much no difference at all. I don't see him now and I rarely saw him then. He made no attempt to give me time before. He gives me no time now. He told everyone else he saw that we were just friends and I misread signals, so that is the way I'm moving forward. Unfortunately it took me 6 years to get here.

Time to draw a line under the craziness.

Although damn the antidepressants, they have stopped me getting really, kicking butt angry.  While they stop the low lows, they stop the other emotions too.

So, without having the past to talk about, I need to find something else to talk about.  It's surprising how much he took up every fucking thought.

Andrew is doing really well, and has even started making music, I am excited to see what he has been making.  I've bought my ticket to go and see him in April.  I miss him very much.

And has soon as I get back from England, it will be time to get back in the trailer again.  I really want to do some crafting, and I can't do the stuff I want while I am here.  I think keeping myself super busy will really help with the loneliness.  I would love to have somewhere I could decorate, the trailer does not really allow that.  I think I need fairy lights.

And then, a friend is moving to the province right next to me, which will allow me to go and see her often.  There are road trips in the future.

Bad news isn't always bad.

Happy Christmas. And what a present I received.

Some of you may think the gift to be horrible, but it has put me out of a lot of misery.

I had wanted a life with my best friend, but I don't think you could even have been that. To see how much I loved you and wanted you and you had every opportunity to tell me you did not care for me. Even when your paramour offered to tell me to back off you told her you would deal with it.  But you didn't have the balls for that, did you?

This from the man who when we first got together told me he wanted to marry me.  This from the man who told me he loved me completely.  From the man who wanted us to live together, to build together, to have a home (and a dog) together.

Today, Christmas morning, I received the message that the person I have been waiting 5, almost 6 years for, has been very active seeking and dating others.  I knew of one, whom I was assured was over (I know of that one), but the one that come out of the woodwork today completely blindsided me.

To hear how he spoke of me, that I am the idiot, that I cannot take a hint, that I misread all his signals of friendship only, hurts deeply.  The man I took to England, to Vegas, to San Francisco, all the time, was just playing me.

But I realize that I have known this, that he was not there for me, for some time, and I guess that shows that whilst I am blindsided, I am not heartbroken.  I guess I've been waiting for that shoe to drop.

He has asked to see me before I go back to work on 28th, as he wants to "speak to me", but I can't get a clue from him what the talk is about.  I am pretty torn on whether I tell him what I know or wait and see what he has to say, and blindside him back again.  (There again, the paramour may have already given him a heads up that she has told me).  DAMMIT I WANT TO KNOW NOW.

It makes me want to work out why I allowed myself to fall for the half truths and stories for so long.

When there is someone you want, and they dangle the carrot of the life you want, the life with them, it is easy to let their lies, the words they know you want to hear, those doubts run off you.  You cling to the words you want to hear, but choose to ignore all the signs that completely go against those words.

So it's Christmas Day and I am sitting here, wondering what is open so I can go get snacks, snacks, snacks, and fill may sad old face with yummy goodness.  Then I can pj up and hunker down to a day of movies.

OK .... snacks achieved and movies are on!

Decided not to post this post until after I have met up with him, I don't want to take the chance of him finding out that I know before I speak to him.

Christmas Day Update:  Slept in and met up with Dawn later in the afternoon.  Trawled the city until we found somewhere open. We had supper at a greasy spoon truck stop.  It was spectacular.  Not heard from G.  Had a lovely facetime with Andrew and Jade

Boxing Day Update:  Later supper at B and C tonight. Wasn't up to it last year, but going to make the most of the invite tonight and have some laughs.  G is still completely ignoring.  So not sure if there is going to be a meeting tomorrow.  Trying to find out whether he has been warned that I have been told that I know what he has been up to.  Gah.

Tuesday Update:  Holy Christ, this is frustrating.  G has now decided he can't come down and talk to me.  I have so much that is boiling up inside, that I really can't get out.  I can't force someone to answer the phone, and trying to get that frustration out on text it pretty impotent.  But it had to be done by text.

I said my piece, and he gave the usual "I wanted to move forward" spiel.  Same old same old.  I will be damned glad to go back to work.

This blog is bought to you by the letters F. U. C. K. I. T.

A Blast from the Past - and just in time.

A friend I have been searching for for many years, found me before I found her.  And she found me through a most unexpected route.  But I am very happy that she did.

She also reminded me of this blog, which I have managed to forgot for some time.

Life is still life and I am still really just going through the motions.  Not enjoying life at all at the moment, and really stuck on how to move away from that.

We are at the winter solstice, the days get longer from here.  I am here in Calgary for the winter.  It is nice to be close to town again, and close to what is going on, but feeling pretty out of life at the moment.  Being away for the ten days at a time really does impact with the social life.  Which brings me to making the decision as to what to do next spring/summer.  I love living in trailer (when it is not leaking) but again that takes me away from town.  But if I find somewhere to live/buy/rent I will probably need to sell the trailer.  Just on my own, I can't afford to do both.

I want to have somewhere that I can start to play with crafting.  The trailer is small but it is mine, all mine, and I am answerable to no one within the walls.  I really want to start playing with resin and I can't do that when I am renting a room in someone's home.

Andrew is off in Europe and I am missing him terribly.  But his life is really coming together.  He is working in a job that he loves.  Saving is optimum for him so that he can travel and see Europe before he takes off to further realms.  I want to go and see him before the summer is here, so planning for April.

I have really let things go with me.  It makes it easy to think that that is what made G leave.  So I need to take my health back into my own hands.  I need to do this because I am hurting.  My back, my feet, my knees.  I do this to make me feel better.  I do not have scales so I am not going to look at the numbers.  Which will make "dieting" interesting, if I am not weighing in.  Dieting without focusing on the number is going to be strange.  I have the food I have and I need to get on that fucking wagon.  How to work this\ when at work.  Oh God knows.  Salads and meat.  Water.  No desserts.  But the hardest will be no cookies for breakfast, and not going out to eat everyday when I am not working.

So yeah, G has ignored me to such an extent that I hear nothing from him.  I had mailed his Christmas gift (as I knew his words of "I will see you over Christmas" were empty).  I know it is delivered, I have heard nothing at all.  It has been 5-6 years of struggle trying to get him to make any kind of commitment to me.  It makes me realize that he has never committed.  It has always been one sided.  Me trying whatever I can think of to have him in my life.  Even if that is crumbs from the table, while he is pursuing others.  Still.  It is what it is.  Time to leave what is not for me.  To find the way forward.

Forget the past, look at the possibilities the future holds.

Look at enjoying life alone.  It's hard, very hard, but it is necessary.

Let's have the next blog looking at those possibilities.

Episode 4 Vegas

Long time no speak

Here I am, back at the farm, back in the country. It is quite the drive from Calgary to here after a long flight.  I am happy to be “home”.  My housemate/landlady had some bad news while I was at work and has been laid off from her job.  I know she will land back on her feet, but the economy relating to Oil and Gas really does suck, and Rocky is an oil town.  I will make sure that I do all I can do to keep this house safe.  To step up to the plate and pitch in more if it means we can stay.

Work for me went really well this shift.  Finally, after working on them for 2.5 years, have I now got an office.  It’s sweet.  I love it. I also got a recognition for doing a good job on a project.  That, too, was sweet!!  What wasn’t sweet is doing something as simple as holding a coat hanger in my mouth while I straightened up the clothes I was hanging up, and broke a damned tooth.  Luckily it hasn’t hurt me. It would have been awful should that have happened.

I did find out that someone I have been interested in is so not interested in me and wants me to help him find someone around the 28 year old mark.  Ha ha ha.  WTF.  I am starting to feel a tad old (well, not starting, I’ve been getting there for a little while now).  I need to stick to the old farts.

So G had his surgery while I was away, and is in a lot of pain now.  I have always promised to help him through the surgery, so I shall forego the munch tomorrow to go support him.  I know there is nothing worse than being ill or in pain when you are on your own. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the last “angry” blog.  I have been thinking about what has really been going on for the last couple of years.  Has this really been a relationship, who defined it as such, and what the definition of a relationship is?  Am I actually in a relationship?  Am I being monogamous to the idea of a partner, rather than a partner?  I know that I have always been the one to pursue and that I have never been first choice.  I know I am a secret and that I am kept as far as possible from his family.  I know that he won’t make any commitment to me until the divorce is finalized, and I know that it will never be finalized.  I know that he can’t afford to finalize it.  I am in limbo.  I know I have never been afforded the truth.  Is there actually anything wrong with being single and alone at 50?  No, there isn’t, but it’s a bloody hard life to live. 

Here is the analogy I thought about last night.  You have a pot of something simmering away on the back burner.  You stir it occasionally but not enough to stop it from evaporating.  Someone comes along and you are embarrassed about the pot.  You hide it in a cupboard and hide everything to do with that pot along with it.  The pot gets taken out, looked at, and put away again.  Then something happens and you need the pot and the pot is dry and the food no longer edible. 

When I try and find the words to speak to you of this, you interject and tell me the analogy is Moby Dick, and the object of his obsession is what kills him in the end. 

It really hit home, and you are so right.  You HAVE been my obsession, probably since the first time I saw you.  You asked for none of this.  You have always pushed against me pursuing you.  It is just the first time in 3.5 years that I have really come to recognize that.

I’m sorry.  I apologize.  I thought our desires matched, and in some respects they do.  But the desire is for shared interests and not shared love.  Whenever you have tried to live your own life I have reacted badly.  And that is not fair on you.

It’s getting so autumnal here, the colour changes are wonderful.  Although it is starting to get cold.  Time to winterize the RV and put that away for the year.  I know I won’t be getting her out until the spring.  Seems a long way off but I really do need the time here to decide what I am going to do.  The time alone in the peace and quiet here will do wonders towards working all of this out.  It getting too cold to sit on the porch though.  And that’s sad.  But all in all, life is good.  There is a difference between living in the city and being lonely and this.  This is a serene isolation.  There is no one around so I can’t be upset about being here and it being so quite.

I did something really stupid yesterday in my folly to try and find a hobby.  I bought a sewing machine.  I’m too scared to even get it out of the box.  LOL.  I am off to try it and will report back soon.  YouTube will be by friend. 

OMG  I fucking love it.  I am having so much with this.  Now off to buy some patterns.  I want to make everything.  Considering I have never owned a sewing machine before this, and never used a pattern or made a damned thing in my life, I have some pretty high hopes.  But I want to get started and get started now.  So far I have made a sausage and a mess.

Friday night has been a hard night.  G has had his surgery and has been pretty poorly this week, so I did not get to see him or look after him very much at all.  G’s father is gravely ill.  An obstinate old man, who really does not want anyone to interfere but it is getting to the stage where he does need intervention.  It made me think about what we do for people at the end of life.  Do we do what makes us comfortable or do we do what makes them comfortable.  When we “advocate” for them, is it for their comfort or for ours.  If an old man is refusing to go to the hospital or want to see a doctor, how do we differentiate between what they want and want is best for them.  I wonder if people just get to the end where they want to stop fighting for life any more.  Do you let them go in their own home, or intervene.  G texted me telling me he did not know what to do.  It’s a really hard thing to talk about; even amongst the close family members.  I think at the end of the day, you have to think of what would give him peace.  I want to help, but I know that I won’t be called on to help.  This is a private family thing.  I can’t even be there to support. 

Nearly at the end of the off shift now.  Things are quietening.  Don’t think we are going to get to see the moon tonight, the eclipse, the blood moon.  Looks far too cloudy out there.  I know I could stay up late and wait to see if the sky clears, but getting back into the work frame of mind means early nights and early mornings.

Beisde it’s cold and I am cold and I want my pjs on and be snuggled under a multitude of blankets. 

Highlight of this offshift, looking up from the sofa to see two deer grazing in the front yard.  Thank god no one saw me do the navy seal crawl to the front window and periscope with my camera to get some photos of them. 

Sending prayers to G’s dad.

It's a beautiful life.

Here I am, back at the farm, back in the country. It is quite the drive from Calgary to here after a long flight.  I am happy to be “home”.  My housemate/landlady had some bad news while I was at work and has been laid off from her job.  I know she will land back on her feet, but the economy relating to Oil and Gas really does suck, and Rocky is an oil town.  I will make sure that I do all I can do to keep this house safe.  To step up to the plate and pitch in more if it means we can stay.

Work for me went really well this shift.  Finally, after working on them for 2.5 years, have I now got an office.  It’s sweet.  I love it. I also got a recognition for doing a good job on a project.  That, too, was sweet!!  What wasn’t sweet is doing something as simple as holding a coat hanger in my mouth while I straightened up the clothes I was hanging up, and broke a damned tooth.  Luckily it hasn’t hurt me. It would have been awful should that have happened, on site and not a dentist within a million miles.  Well, I maybe exaggerate a little.

I did find out that someone I have been interested in is so not interested in me and wants me to help him find someone around the 28 year old mark.  Ha ha ha.  WTF.  I am starting to feel a tad old (well, not starting, I’ve been getting there for a little while now).  I need to stick to the old farts.

So G had his surgery while I was away, and is in a lot of pain now.  I have always promised to help him through the surgery, so I shall forego the munch tomorrow to go support him.  I know there is nothing worse than being ill or in pain when you are on your own. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the last “angry” blog.  I have been thinking about what has really been going on for the last couple of years.  Has this really been a relationship, who defined it as such, and what the definition of a relationship is?  Am I actually in a relationship?  Am I being monogamous to the idea of a partner, rather than a partner?  I know that I have always been the one to pursue and that I have never been first choice.  I know I am a secret and that I am kept as far as possible from his family.  I know that he won’t make any commitment to me until the divorce is finalized, and I know that it will never be finalized.  I know that he can’t afford to finalize it.  I am in limbo.  I know I have never been afforded the truth.  Is there actually anything wrong with being single and alone at 50?  No, there isn’t, but it’s a bloody hard life to live. 

Here is the analogy I thought about last night.  You have a pot of something simmering away on the back burner.  You stir it occasionally but not enough to stop it from evaporating.  Someone comes along and you are embarrassed about the pot.  You hide it in a cupboard and hide everything to do with that pot along with it.  The pot gets taken out, looked at, and put away again.  Then something happens and you need the pot and the pot is dry and the food no longer edible. 

When I try and find the words to speak to you of this, you interject and tell me the analogy is Moby Dick, and the object of his obsession is what kills him in the end. 

It really hit home, and you are so right.  You HAVE been my obsession, probably since the first time I saw you.  You asked for none of this.  You have always pushed against me pursuing you.  It is just the first time in 3.5 years that I have really come to recognize that.

I’m sorry.  I apologize.  I thought our desires matched, and in some respects they do.  But the desire is for shared interests and not shared love.  Whenever you have tried to live your own life I have reacted badly.  And that is not fair on you.

It’s getting so autumnal here, the colour changes are wonderful.  Although it is starting to get cold.  Time to winterize the RV and put that away for the year.  I know I won’t be getting her out until the spring.  Seems a long way off but I really do need the time here to decide what I am going to do.  The time alone in the peace and quiet here will do wonders towards working all of this out.  It getting too cold to sit on the porch though.  And that’s sad.  But all in all, life is good.  There is a difference between living in the city and being lonely and this.  This is a serene isolation.  There is no one around so I can’t be upset about being here and it being so quite.

I did something really stupid yesterday in my folly to try and find a hobby.  I bought a sewing machine.  I’m too scared to even get it out of the box.  LOL.  I am off to try it and will report back soon.  YouTube will be by friend. 

OMG  I fucking love it.  I am having so much with this.  Now off to buy some patterns.  I want to make everything.  Considering I have never owned a sewing machine before this, and never used a pattern or made a damned thing in my life, I have some pretty high hopes.  But I want to get started and get started now.  So far I have made a sausage and a mess.

Friday night has been a hard night.  G has had his surgery and has been pretty poorly this week, so I did not get to see him or look after him very much at all.  G’s father is gravely ill.  An obstinate and very proud old man, who really does not want anyone to interfere but it is getting to the stage where he does need intervention.  It made me think about what we do for people at the end of life.  Do we do what makes us comfortable or do we do what makes them comfortable.  When we “advocate” for them, is it for their comfort or for ours.  If an old man is refusing to go to the hospital or want to see a doctor, how do we differentiate between what they want and want is best for them.  I wonder if people just get to the end where they want to stop fighting for life any more.  Do you let them go in their own home, or intervene.  G texted me telling me he did not know what to do.  It’s a really hard thing to talk about; even among the close family members.  I think at the end of the day, you have to think of what would give him peace.  I want to help, but I know that I won’t be called on to help.  This is a private family thing.  I can’t even be there to support. 

Nearly at the end of the off shift now.  Things are quietening.  Don’t think we are going to get to see the moon tonight, the eclipse, the blood moon.  Looks far too cloudy out there.  I know I could stay up late and wait to see if the sky clears, but getting back into the work frame of mind means early nights and early mornings.

Besides,

it’s cold and I am cold and I want my pjs on and be snuggled under a multitude of blankets. 

Highlight of this offshift, looking up from the sofa to see two deer grazing in the front yard.  Thank god no one saw me do the navy seal crawl to the front window and periscope with my camera to get some photos of them. 

Sending prayers to G’s dad.