A Blast from the Past - and just in time.

A friend I have been searching for for many years, found me before I found her.  And she found me through a most unexpected route.  But I am very happy that she did.

She also reminded me of this blog, which I have managed to forgot for some time.

Life is still life and I am still really just going through the motions.  Not enjoying life at all at the moment, and really stuck on how to move away from that.

We are at the winter solstice, the days get longer from here.  I am here in Calgary for the winter.  It is nice to be close to town again, and close to what is going on, but feeling pretty out of life at the moment.  Being away for the ten days at a time really does impact with the social life.  Which brings me to making the decision as to what to do next spring/summer.  I love living in trailer (when it is not leaking) but again that takes me away from town.  But if I find somewhere to live/buy/rent I will probably need to sell the trailer.  Just on my own, I can't afford to do both.

I want to have somewhere that I can start to play with crafting.  The trailer is small but it is mine, all mine, and I am answerable to no one within the walls.  I really want to start playing with resin and I can't do that when I am renting a room in someone's home.

Andrew is off in Europe and I am missing him terribly.  But his life is really coming together.  He is working in a job that he loves.  Saving is optimum for him so that he can travel and see Europe before he takes off to further realms.  I want to go and see him before the summer is here, so planning for April.

I have really let things go with me.  It makes it easy to think that that is what made G leave.  So I need to take my health back into my own hands.  I need to do this because I am hurting.  My back, my feet, my knees.  I do this to make me feel better.  I do not have scales so I am not going to look at the numbers.  Which will make "dieting" interesting, if I am not weighing in.  Dieting without focusing on the number is going to be strange.  I have the food I have and I need to get on that fucking wagon.  How to work this\ when at work.  Oh God knows.  Salads and meat.  Water.  No desserts.  But the hardest will be no cookies for breakfast, and not going out to eat everyday when I am not working.

So yeah, G has ignored me to such an extent that I hear nothing from him.  I had mailed his Christmas gift (as I knew his words of "I will see you over Christmas" were empty).  I know it is delivered, I have heard nothing at all.  It has been 5-6 years of struggle trying to get him to make any kind of commitment to me.  It makes me realize that he has never committed.  It has always been one sided.  Me trying whatever I can think of to have him in my life.  Even if that is crumbs from the table, while he is pursuing others.  Still.  It is what it is.  Time to leave what is not for me.  To find the way forward.

Forget the past, look at the possibilities the future holds.

Look at enjoying life alone.  It's hard, very hard, but it is necessary.

Let's have the next blog looking at those possibilities.

Episode 4 Vegas

Long time no speak

Here I am, back at the farm, back in the country. It is quite the drive from Calgary to here after a long flight.  I am happy to be “home”.  My housemate/landlady had some bad news while I was at work and has been laid off from her job.  I know she will land back on her feet, but the economy relating to Oil and Gas really does suck, and Rocky is an oil town.  I will make sure that I do all I can do to keep this house safe.  To step up to the plate and pitch in more if it means we can stay.

Work for me went really well this shift.  Finally, after working on them for 2.5 years, have I now got an office.  It’s sweet.  I love it. I also got a recognition for doing a good job on a project.  That, too, was sweet!!  What wasn’t sweet is doing something as simple as holding a coat hanger in my mouth while I straightened up the clothes I was hanging up, and broke a damned tooth.  Luckily it hasn’t hurt me. It would have been awful should that have happened.

I did find out that someone I have been interested in is so not interested in me and wants me to help him find someone around the 28 year old mark.  Ha ha ha.  WTF.  I am starting to feel a tad old (well, not starting, I’ve been getting there for a little while now).  I need to stick to the old farts.

So G had his surgery while I was away, and is in a lot of pain now.  I have always promised to help him through the surgery, so I shall forego the munch tomorrow to go support him.  I know there is nothing worse than being ill or in pain when you are on your own. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the last “angry” blog.  I have been thinking about what has really been going on for the last couple of years.  Has this really been a relationship, who defined it as such, and what the definition of a relationship is?  Am I actually in a relationship?  Am I being monogamous to the idea of a partner, rather than a partner?  I know that I have always been the one to pursue and that I have never been first choice.  I know I am a secret and that I am kept as far as possible from his family.  I know that he won’t make any commitment to me until the divorce is finalized, and I know that it will never be finalized.  I know that he can’t afford to finalize it.  I am in limbo.  I know I have never been afforded the truth.  Is there actually anything wrong with being single and alone at 50?  No, there isn’t, but it’s a bloody hard life to live. 

Here is the analogy I thought about last night.  You have a pot of something simmering away on the back burner.  You stir it occasionally but not enough to stop it from evaporating.  Someone comes along and you are embarrassed about the pot.  You hide it in a cupboard and hide everything to do with that pot along with it.  The pot gets taken out, looked at, and put away again.  Then something happens and you need the pot and the pot is dry and the food no longer edible. 

When I try and find the words to speak to you of this, you interject and tell me the analogy is Moby Dick, and the object of his obsession is what kills him in the end. 

It really hit home, and you are so right.  You HAVE been my obsession, probably since the first time I saw you.  You asked for none of this.  You have always pushed against me pursuing you.  It is just the first time in 3.5 years that I have really come to recognize that.

I’m sorry.  I apologize.  I thought our desires matched, and in some respects they do.  But the desire is for shared interests and not shared love.  Whenever you have tried to live your own life I have reacted badly.  And that is not fair on you.

It’s getting so autumnal here, the colour changes are wonderful.  Although it is starting to get cold.  Time to winterize the RV and put that away for the year.  I know I won’t be getting her out until the spring.  Seems a long way off but I really do need the time here to decide what I am going to do.  The time alone in the peace and quiet here will do wonders towards working all of this out.  It getting too cold to sit on the porch though.  And that’s sad.  But all in all, life is good.  There is a difference between living in the city and being lonely and this.  This is a serene isolation.  There is no one around so I can’t be upset about being here and it being so quite.

I did something really stupid yesterday in my folly to try and find a hobby.  I bought a sewing machine.  I’m too scared to even get it out of the box.  LOL.  I am off to try it and will report back soon.  YouTube will be by friend. 

OMG  I fucking love it.  I am having so much with this.  Now off to buy some patterns.  I want to make everything.  Considering I have never owned a sewing machine before this, and never used a pattern or made a damned thing in my life, I have some pretty high hopes.  But I want to get started and get started now.  So far I have made a sausage and a mess.

Friday night has been a hard night.  G has had his surgery and has been pretty poorly this week, so I did not get to see him or look after him very much at all.  G’s father is gravely ill.  An obstinate old man, who really does not want anyone to interfere but it is getting to the stage where he does need intervention.  It made me think about what we do for people at the end of life.  Do we do what makes us comfortable or do we do what makes them comfortable.  When we “advocate” for them, is it for their comfort or for ours.  If an old man is refusing to go to the hospital or want to see a doctor, how do we differentiate between what they want and want is best for them.  I wonder if people just get to the end where they want to stop fighting for life any more.  Do you let them go in their own home, or intervene.  G texted me telling me he did not know what to do.  It’s a really hard thing to talk about; even amongst the close family members.  I think at the end of the day, you have to think of what would give him peace.  I want to help, but I know that I won’t be called on to help.  This is a private family thing.  I can’t even be there to support. 

Nearly at the end of the off shift now.  Things are quietening.  Don’t think we are going to get to see the moon tonight, the eclipse, the blood moon.  Looks far too cloudy out there.  I know I could stay up late and wait to see if the sky clears, but getting back into the work frame of mind means early nights and early mornings.

Beisde it’s cold and I am cold and I want my pjs on and be snuggled under a multitude of blankets. 

Highlight of this offshift, looking up from the sofa to see two deer grazing in the front yard.  Thank god no one saw me do the navy seal crawl to the front window and periscope with my camera to get some photos of them. 

Sending prayers to G’s dad.

It's a beautiful life.

Here I am, back at the farm, back in the country. It is quite the drive from Calgary to here after a long flight.  I am happy to be “home”.  My housemate/landlady had some bad news while I was at work and has been laid off from her job.  I know she will land back on her feet, but the economy relating to Oil and Gas really does suck, and Rocky is an oil town.  I will make sure that I do all I can do to keep this house safe.  To step up to the plate and pitch in more if it means we can stay.

Work for me went really well this shift.  Finally, after working on them for 2.5 years, have I now got an office.  It’s sweet.  I love it. I also got a recognition for doing a good job on a project.  That, too, was sweet!!  What wasn’t sweet is doing something as simple as holding a coat hanger in my mouth while I straightened up the clothes I was hanging up, and broke a damned tooth.  Luckily it hasn’t hurt me. It would have been awful should that have happened, on site and not a dentist within a million miles.  Well, I maybe exaggerate a little.

I did find out that someone I have been interested in is so not interested in me and wants me to help him find someone around the 28 year old mark.  Ha ha ha.  WTF.  I am starting to feel a tad old (well, not starting, I’ve been getting there for a little while now).  I need to stick to the old farts.

So G had his surgery while I was away, and is in a lot of pain now.  I have always promised to help him through the surgery, so I shall forego the munch tomorrow to go support him.  I know there is nothing worse than being ill or in pain when you are on your own. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the last “angry” blog.  I have been thinking about what has really been going on for the last couple of years.  Has this really been a relationship, who defined it as such, and what the definition of a relationship is?  Am I actually in a relationship?  Am I being monogamous to the idea of a partner, rather than a partner?  I know that I have always been the one to pursue and that I have never been first choice.  I know I am a secret and that I am kept as far as possible from his family.  I know that he won’t make any commitment to me until the divorce is finalized, and I know that it will never be finalized.  I know that he can’t afford to finalize it.  I am in limbo.  I know I have never been afforded the truth.  Is there actually anything wrong with being single and alone at 50?  No, there isn’t, but it’s a bloody hard life to live. 

Here is the analogy I thought about last night.  You have a pot of something simmering away on the back burner.  You stir it occasionally but not enough to stop it from evaporating.  Someone comes along and you are embarrassed about the pot.  You hide it in a cupboard and hide everything to do with that pot along with it.  The pot gets taken out, looked at, and put away again.  Then something happens and you need the pot and the pot is dry and the food no longer edible. 

When I try and find the words to speak to you of this, you interject and tell me the analogy is Moby Dick, and the object of his obsession is what kills him in the end. 

It really hit home, and you are so right.  You HAVE been my obsession, probably since the first time I saw you.  You asked for none of this.  You have always pushed against me pursuing you.  It is just the first time in 3.5 years that I have really come to recognize that.

I’m sorry.  I apologize.  I thought our desires matched, and in some respects they do.  But the desire is for shared interests and not shared love.  Whenever you have tried to live your own life I have reacted badly.  And that is not fair on you.

It’s getting so autumnal here, the colour changes are wonderful.  Although it is starting to get cold.  Time to winterize the RV and put that away for the year.  I know I won’t be getting her out until the spring.  Seems a long way off but I really do need the time here to decide what I am going to do.  The time alone in the peace and quiet here will do wonders towards working all of this out.  It getting too cold to sit on the porch though.  And that’s sad.  But all in all, life is good.  There is a difference between living in the city and being lonely and this.  This is a serene isolation.  There is no one around so I can’t be upset about being here and it being so quite.

I did something really stupid yesterday in my folly to try and find a hobby.  I bought a sewing machine.  I’m too scared to even get it out of the box.  LOL.  I am off to try it and will report back soon.  YouTube will be by friend. 

OMG  I fucking love it.  I am having so much with this.  Now off to buy some patterns.  I want to make everything.  Considering I have never owned a sewing machine before this, and never used a pattern or made a damned thing in my life, I have some pretty high hopes.  But I want to get started and get started now.  So far I have made a sausage and a mess.

Friday night has been a hard night.  G has had his surgery and has been pretty poorly this week, so I did not get to see him or look after him very much at all.  G’s father is gravely ill.  An obstinate and very proud old man, who really does not want anyone to interfere but it is getting to the stage where he does need intervention.  It made me think about what we do for people at the end of life.  Do we do what makes us comfortable or do we do what makes them comfortable.  When we “advocate” for them, is it for their comfort or for ours.  If an old man is refusing to go to the hospital or want to see a doctor, how do we differentiate between what they want and want is best for them.  I wonder if people just get to the end where they want to stop fighting for life any more.  Do you let them go in their own home, or intervene.  G texted me telling me he did not know what to do.  It’s a really hard thing to talk about; even among the close family members.  I think at the end of the day, you have to think of what would give him peace.  I want to help, but I know that I won’t be called on to help.  This is a private family thing.  I can’t even be there to support. 

Nearly at the end of the off shift now.  Things are quietening.  Don’t think we are going to get to see the moon tonight, the eclipse, the blood moon.  Looks far too cloudy out there.  I know I could stay up late and wait to see if the sky clears, but getting back into the work frame of mind means early nights and early mornings.

Besides,

it’s cold and I am cold and I want my pjs on and be snuggled under a multitude of blankets. 

Highlight of this offshift, looking up from the sofa to see two deer grazing in the front yard.  Thank god no one saw me do the navy seal crawl to the front window and periscope with my camera to get some photos of them. 

Sending prayers to G’s dad.

Is there such a thing as quiet?

So I took my trailer out to my friends house in Caroline, and found a place of utmost peace.  We sit on the west facing porch watching the sunset. We are surrounded by cows, the deer that graze in the field beside us and massive amounts of sky. 

I have decided I will rent a room here and stay here for the winter. I know winter is coming, because as I sit on the sofa looking out of the window I see the geese starting to migrate. 

But for peace and quiet, I don't think the ever is quiet. We have the cows mooing, the neighbors dogs barking, and the coyotes howling the whole night. 

If it were not for the neighbouring farms' barn light, there would be almost pitch darkness.  That makes it perfect to sit on the porch steps and watch the stars at night. 

I am happy here. I have no anxiety here.

It has been an extra long off shift this shift, that was a complete waste of fucking time. The surgery I was supposed to be supporting G through was suddenly "postponed". He then asks me to spend the whole day with him on Saturday.  Friday night he sends me a picture of the cat and his son. I knew right then I was the proverbial hot potato and I was basically dropped and ignored all weekend. 

Funnily enough, it's now gotten to the stage where it doesn't shock or surprise me. It doesn't upset me, I guess I know is coming. I think I have so emotionally removed myself from this "Relationship". I've given up on given 150% compared to his 5%.  So much for Mr Please Don't Leave Me. Ha. 

It's is been a couple of gray days here recently, it's time to go back to work, even for a short shift. 

I'm not dead yet.

A whole range of emotions and I don’t know what one to settle on first.  Fear and panic and doubt are high on that list.   It’s like being put out to see without an oar.  It is standing and trying to grasp at anything that will give me stability.  Yesterday was the first day of being on the road, and it was incredibly difficult to not go to a home.  I did the running around, filling prescriptions and putting on the mail forward.  Had a large late lunch as I slept on the plane as per usual and didn’t eat the delicious Canadian North fayre, hooked up the trailer and headed down to Ware Creek.  Once I got everything stabilized and all the stuff I wanted to move in thrown from the truck into the trailer, I headed down to the creek and I knew I was starting to spiral and so I reached out to a very good friend who basically took me by my lapels and shook me.  I was telling her that I knew this was not going to fill the void I had in my life, and she basically walked me through, showing me where I keep going back to and not succeeding.  That the universe has pushed me into a corner and is forcing me to stop and listen and see what is wrong.

There is a lot of silence here.  There are half a dozen other campers up the hill, but I have decided to be down by the creek and I am the only one here.  It is very strange that most of the time I am screamingly lonely, and spend my days wishing I had a partner in life, but this first day is showing me that I need to stop thinking like that and start thinking about how to be happy with me.

I have been through this lesson once before, when I first moved into the house.  And it really did bring me back to being who I liked to be.  I was in the house for three years and a majority of that time was in a relationship with someone who never put me first, who never made any effort for me, who would actively seek out others while I was alone at home.  Of promises of changes to be made which were just that, promises, and never followed through on.  He is one of those people who you love and want to be with from the first moment you see them.  Yes, I know, that is a crush.  And while he goes through struggles you are there to help.  But if he asked me tomorrow to come live with him I would. 

But I don’t want to be the one way shoulder to cry on any more.  The universe has put me in this corner to learn to love myself again.  It is strange to think that solitude is going to help repair the loneliness. 

OMG why did I bring so much crap?  Things that seemed so important when I was packing up the house are like WTF items now!  Determined to get it finished before I go to bed though.  Want the “house” in order.

It is 28 degrees today, far too hot to be working inside the trailer.  I have 5% of the stuff still to put away but it’s crazy hot.  So I came outside to do some writing.  Problem #1, the books are on the cloud and I can’t get a hotspot to get to either of them.  I know where I left off on them both but both were joint projects.  I am hoping my Hades cowriter will be coming to join me and we can work on the story together by the fire.  I need a girlfriend to shoot the shit with.  LOL.  Problem #2.  Shagging squirrels.  I don’t know who makes the most noise, the shagger squirrel or the shaggee squirrel but holy hell, they need to get a room (and I know you’re going to ask how I know they were shagging, it is because they were in the tree in front of me).

No more blog until tomorrow … Wednesday … when getting dressed is going to be more than putting a bra on under your pjs.

Wednesday, after a day and evening of being inundated with mosquitos, I did a run into Calgary purely for some mozzie relief.  Took the opportunity to have lunch with a girlfriend and now back at the campsite, building an altar to the gods of anti-bugs.  And I must admit it is a little glorious. 

The solitude is still searing though.  I am still fighting against in.  I want to scream to let me come back, but I know that I wasn’t happy in Calgary.  I read a writing today when I was at lunch about a relationship where there is just pure worship.  I watched a movie last night about someone finding his muse.  How often do those relationships actually happen?  Do we find those loves?  How many of us fall into relationships for fear of nothing else coming along?  I know that I have in the past.  I want the love that makes you dance like a dervish, that makes you want to dance and soar.

Thursday – and I had a wonderful visit from a wonderful friend from work.  She arrived bearing gifts of hamburgers and pop which work wonderfully for me.  The most joyous part of the day was when we took our camping chairs down to the river, hoping to sit by the river side.  The temperature has been insane, getting up into the mid-30’s.  so from sitting beside the river we decided to sit right on the river bank and dangle our feet in, and ended up with our chairs in the river and the water washing over them.  The water was perfect.  Cool, but not cold enough to numb.  And listening to the sounds all around us, the water, the birds, the animals, the first breeze of the week in the trees, was fantastic. 

We headed back to the trailer and set up the BBQ that had never been used before, and cooked up the burgers.  Christ, they were delicious. 

The longer I sit here the longer I feel blessed to be able to do this, but the worry of what to do in the winter is hanging heavily over me.  I’ve had a couple of anxious times here, feeling the isolation, and even then knowing I am just a hop, skip and a jump to civilization. 

DAMN – There is people down my end of the campsite.  I’ve been here alone for all this time.  It felt like my little spot.  But that also made me laugh how much it contradicts the previous paragraph.  Sitting here, doing some writing, and waiting for another girlfriend to come along.  Still not used to having no internet connection, and a cell signal so weak I can’t hot spot to my phone.  My stories are in collaboration with others, so I can upload my part of the writing.  Bugger.

My girlfriend came to stay with me for a couple of days over the weekend, and cue the rain.  I was excited for her to read what I had written, and to get back to the collaboration.  That night the rain came in.  We did a quick excursion out to Black Diamond, as there was a restaurant she wanted to try there, and boy was it good.  Burgers so juicy that they fall apart when you’re trying to eat them.  Delicious pies, because we’ve always got room for dessert. 

It also gave us the opportunity to change up the stories we are writing.  Having completed the one, we realized how dark it had become and was not really what we were looking for.  So we sat and planned a whole new story, took that into town with us, got ourselves some wifi and got the story back to Calgary for her to work on some more. 

It’s Monday now, and having had her leave to go back home, I spiralled and crashed a little last night.  Again it was a case of why the hell did I do this.  I look at how remote I am here, even though I am just an hour from Calgary.  There are three other trailers here.  If I travel, I would be staying in a campsite that has probably a hundred people in.  But the thought of going south, alone, is what is scaring me.  Doing any of this alone is scaring me.  I am fed up of being alone.  I want to have someone to share this with.  That is probably what gave me the epiphany that I am waiting for someone to save me, and there is no one out there to save me.  I have to succeed on my own.  I have to learn to be alone, rather than hate it every time I come to think of being alone. 

I go swinging from I can do this, to I am going to ask my friend to let me share her place with her.  While the weather allows, I can live here virtually free.  When I go down south, I need to consider the cost of staying in the trailer park, the cost of parking, and of flying to work.  Parking the truck at the home airport and staying the night before I travel up to work.  I know lots and lots of people from work do it all the time.  Considering it is mid August now, and the cold weather really starts to set in in Canada in October, I have to make the decision as to whether I stay or whether I go. 

Well, that is it, the end of the first stint of living off the grid and in the trailer.  The emotions at the end of the stint are the same as the start.  But it seems to be for different reasons.  I know I can do it, but the solitude was hard for me.  I wish that this experience had started earlier for me, that I could have been in a really strong place.  It’s now almost September.  I am supporting someone through cancer treatment in September.  If I head south I will need to do that in October.  I really don’t know if I am ready for that yet.  I know I could not have started this process earlier, as Andrew was not ready to move home.  But now he has moved and he is happy. 

I am in Caroline for the next stint.  Most of the time I will be in the trailer with no one in the house.  There is only one little lock between me and the outside world and this one will really be alone.  If I shout out, no one will come.  It is going to take time this on shift to see where this adventure takes me next.

Naysayers …. Begone.

Well I am finally out of the house, and the move was god-fucking-awful.  We were let down by helpers left, right and centre.  But the house is empty and is being cleaned by my wonderful cleaner man.  I ran out of money before I left and I could not get to change my mailing.  I will need to get over there when I get back.

I purged about 80% of my life, donating a lot to friends too.

The last day in the house and G pulled such a dick move.  I was waiting for my helpers and I received an email from him telling me that the trailer wasn't my only option and that I could always come to his apartment.  I think the fact that he has kept me on the back burner and at more than arms length for our entire "relationship" means that the offer was pretty hollow.  He said it because he thought I wanted to hear it, and knowing that the chances of me taking him up on it were pretty slim.  It hurt, it cut very very deep.

Naysayers …. Begone.

So, homeless indeed.  This is it.  The deed is done, and the house has been given up.  A lot of the panic has now left and I am really looking forward to this now.  I have at least the next three stays planned.  I have been taking as much advice as possible about places to stay when I am travelling. 

I am still at work at the moment and it is another four days until I go home. Ha ha ha.  Saying home made me laugh.  Although the more people I talk to about this the more I realized that a lot more people than I expected do this sort of thing – and also how many people wish that this could be their life too.  That’s really quite blowing me away actually.

The first stop is going to be in the Turner Valley/Millarville part of Alberta.  This is a campground that is owned by the company that I work for.  It is free, and the setting is wonderful.  I can imagine days spent sitting by the river, sitting outside the trailer reading, and evenings and nights spent watching the stars.  This IS the life I want.  Calgary has been good to me, I won’t deny that.  It is the only place we have lived since moving to Canada.  But since the divorce, I have been pretty unlucky in finding what I need to make my soul sing. 

I have reached the end of my rope of living alone in Calgary.  If I am to live alone, then I will do so on the road and pack my life with adventure.  Every off shift will be a vacation.  To open my door and see a new view each time. 

Gah …. Just had the most awful night’s sleep (sleep is pretty important when up at work and working 12 hour shifts for 10 days straight).  I spent most of the night thinking about what could go wrong.  I thought about what would happen if my job transitioned back to Calgary, I thought about being able to afford to live and to live in Calgary if I have to move back … and that thought filled me with dread.  Of crossing the border and being stuck in bad weather before I got to where I wanted to go.  It made me think I should put this off for another year.  To stay with friends and try again in the spring. 

If I have positive feedback, I am all gung-ho and ready to do this.  If I have negative feedback, I just see failure ahead.  Note to self – only be around positive people. 

So here it is, another shift done.  It’s strange to think I am not going “home”.  Can’t wait to spend some time at my friend’s acreage in Caroline.  Get to play with the cows!!

(Location:  Wood Buffalo, AB - 57.386247, -111.067237)